10 Compelling Reasons to Replace an Old Toilet

1. The old toilet is sealed with duct tape

The power of duct tape to secure loose objects to one another (i.e. car engines and cars) has been known for quite some time, and a cult following of individuals has developed who find it difficult to repair anything without it. However, it can also be used as a subversion technique for preventing unauthorized entry, such as the duct tape on this toilet lid. If people can't find a way to use your toilet, they'll find something else to use. If duct tape sealing the toilet is a problem, it might be time to replace it.

2. There is a "Do Not Use" sign on the toilet

While a famous songwriter in the sixty's once lamented about the number of signs which guide our everyday lives, signs still have the undeniable benefit of warning us about danger. The sign on this toilet says "Do Not Use", and by George, it's probably a good idea not to.

3. There is caution tape across the bathroom door

Whereas signs commonly signify the potential for disaster, caution tape typically indicates that disaster has occurred in the area. In such a case where the bathroom door is blocked with caution tape, there is a good chance that the disaster that occurred had something to do with that toilet. Maybe it's time to get rid of the old ghosts and start making some new ones.

4. There is a plastic mirror a foot above the toilet's water tank

There can only be one reason for a mirror like that. If you can't think of it, it's best not to ponder too long. Not only is it bad for your Chi, it's also very tacky, icky, and gross. The mirror and the toilet goes hand and hand, if one goes the other must too. And the mirror must go.

5. The toilet's water tank requires 4 gallons of water to flush

There are several practical implications for this particular issue. 1) Water is expensive, epically in the summer. New toilets have 1.6 gallon tanks, which cuts water use in half. 2) The extra water takes on toll on the environment, especially in drought-prone areas. 3) If for some reason the first flush doesn't get the goods to the sewer, you're going to have to wait about 5 minutes to give it another go. Very embarrassing for visitors.

6. When flushed, there is not sufficient water pressure to get the goods to the sewer

Combined with issue #5, this throws the toilet user into a vicious cycle of flush, waste and wait.

7. The particle board around the toilet is chronically wet

This can be due to one problem and one problem only, and that's a leak. One would hope that it is a steady leak of clear water from the water tank, but one would be overly hopeful not to assume that the leak is coming from the more colorful water rushing through the pipes on its way out. That's just gross.

8. The toilet sports a cheesy veneer toilet seat

I know it doesn't really matter, but when your sitting down to use the toilet you'd rather do it in style. The only thing worse than a veneer toilet seat is one of those plushy covers my grandma puts on the cover of her toilet to keep people from using the toilet from a standing position.

9. There is a quarter-inch of silt in the water tank

I don't know how it got there or what purpose it might have served, but silt is a fertile breeding ground for evolution, and evolution is exactly what I'm trying to keep out of the bathroom, thank you very much.

10. Who knows who used that toilet seat before you moved in

Who knows who used that toilet seat before you moved in.

* It wasn't hard coming up with these 10 items because all of them applied to our toilet when we bought our home. No joke. The mirror is kind of a running joke amongst the family now.